Demon Days

Wii!!!!

Thu, 05 Oct 2006 19:55:34 GMT

lol i own the System Formally Known As The Revolution! just got to wait until the 19th... Nintendo Shall Inherit The Earth!!!

Snakes on a Plane!

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 14:29:27 GMT

THATS IT I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!

lol god damn i love that movie...

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 14:07:18 GMT

what happens when you hit the top? its simple... since you hit the peak the only other choice is to go down... sure you can stay at the peak and see all the beauty in the world.... thats when you figure out that the only way is down now... you can either jump and plumate down and crash land and thats that... back to the bottom and its over... your crushed... you take time to rehibilitate and then its back to that desperate climb again... the other choice is the slow climb down... lower and lower... into the darkness below... you get hit and smacked with every little thing on the way down... when you get to the bottom you are all battered and broken and all you can do is look up and see everything you worked so hard for and how its gone... all you have left is the memory...

i think that sums up where abouts i am heading right now...

Tue, 11 Jul 2006 04:13:21 GMT

godless nights... that is what is sitting in my mind right now... tired out and not sure what to do... lost in what i can and can not do... i really need a job but where... i doubt anyone is hiring now nor will they even hire me... i am gonna go try out at walmart and probably even get rejected there but hey thats life for me... i'll find a place... i hope.

speedway junkies

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 19:02:29 GMT

when the darkness fills your soul

and you notice you are all alone

that is when life truely flies

no death, no suicide

just a lot of broken pride

just thought and empty space

constantly making it a race

calling on you to pick up that sudden pace

speedway junkie and a break down

side of the highway nights

stars act as broken lights

live a life with shut eyes

feelings and risks with clenched fists

anxiety and panic rush through the vains

dont be scared life guides you on its way

no death, no suicide

just a lot of broken pride

another reason to know you lied

knowing its best not to confide

speedway junkie and a break down

side of the highway nights

stars act as broken lights

city lights blacken the night sky

hidden stars forgotten in light

devils dancing on the streets

demons laughing to the beat

no death, no suicide

just a lot of broken pride

a blur, a haze

leave us all in a daze

speedway junkie and a break down

side of the highway nights

stars act as broken lights

The Gondola Man

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 19:01:46 GMT

what i used to be will pass away and then you'll see that all i want now is happiness for you and me.... what i used to be will pass away and then you'll see that all i want now is happiness for you and me...

my knee is killing me today... blarg... its all bruised up... but thats what ya get when you collide knees with someone else... going away this weekend to a cottage with my girlfriend... our first little vacation together should be nice... woot woot...

forsaken is what i have become... raised from the dead and free from the king... i raise my blade silent like the night... with that i strike you down... with fear in your eyes you hear my scream.... SHANKED i say and you fall down!

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 02:35:54 GMT

so very close to my graduation ceremony... wont it be grand?? all i need now is a job and thats it... work work work... then some more school school school... then become one of the boys in the blue... who would have thought i'd become a cop??? lol... i always have kinda wanted to be one but i guess now i have more drive to be one... all i really want is some money so i can do more things with my lovely lovely lady... i want to take her places and stuff but right now i have nothing going for me... i need a job... it is getting bothersome to myself that i dont have one... i want one i hate having nothing to do day by day i feel so empty... atleast i still have my music to keep me company... tonight was quite grand in ju jitsu though muhahahaha... i won all three of my fights... first match... Alexi... strong strong man he is but i pulled off a badass armbar and made him tap... second match some kid named Sahill... pulled off another badass armbar made him tap... third match was kind of robbed from me but i would have won it regardless... went against a black belt... now i remind you in grapple fights in ju jitsu you dont strike... well i was fighting one of the head instructors and since i got my "badass" armbar going on him also and almost won the match he kneed me in the side 3 times which disqualified him from the fight... so i won it! muhahaha i would have soooo owned him anyways... i pulled a hattrick! three armbars in one night...

just another day...

Sun, 18 Jun 2006 21:58:27 GMT

to me its just another day... a little depressed right now? hmmm yes i would like to think so.... but thats how life goes isnt it???? up one day down another... Kid You're On The Right Track... sit around, burst out in a frown... just another day... listen to the music it sooths the savage beast... the ever growing rage inside me... the urge just to take more and more martial art type classes just so i can release all the anger and frustration in me and push my body to its max so it can just shut down again and be at peace... i want to take part in an MMA fight i want to feel pain and give it out... i want peace... Its All About Taking The Easy Way Out For You I Suppose.... sit down, think abound.... to me its just another day.

Worthy or Unworthy?....

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 16:28:35 GMT

for a person who has been a total asshole... a person whom disregarded everyone and everything around him.... does he really deserve to stand up with the rest of those who actually made something of themselves?... does a dumb little epiphony and change of ways in the end really dub the person worthy? or should they just sit outside in the cold and rain where they belong for their former actions? what does a person have to do before they can redeem themselves for their actions?... can it really be done or is the person doomed to fall back into their past because of the urge of something that is just comfortable...

need i say any more?

Fri, 28 Apr 2006 23:18:25 GMT

Tue, 17 Jan 2006 05:58:43 GMT

depression is much like an entity that sits dormant until it notices weakness and slowly consumes you digging its claws deep into your soul sucking out all the life and replacing it with a feeling of pain... pain that comes in many forms... you feel your body grow stiff and the joints ache... headaches slowly forms... your eyes dry out and seeing becomes a blur... then the emotional pain begins setting in more... you feel lethargic and everything slows down around you... all i can hear is the music... it speaks to me and i understand it... such beautiful music....

heh my horrible adventure

Wed, 23 Nov 2005 18:55:00 GMT

well i woke up with chest pressure at about 3 in the morning... walked over to the washroom and began to vomit... oh great it was traced with blood... jolly me... so i rush over to the hospital to see if i am alright... i get blood taken... I HATE NEEDLES... but anyone who knows me knows my fear of needles and the such... they give me three pills... well they dope me up get me all stoned and such which i still feel now because of the lack of blood and the pills and all... and they do chest x-rays on me to see if my lungs are shot... well i am alright for the good news and happy about that... they are still puzzled on what caused all that and so am i... got to go to the doctors tomorrow like they told me too... and if it happens again i got to go through all that all over again... joy for me and my shitty body which is falling apart!

a simple sigh

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 05:11:23 GMT

my head is swimming... my mind is flooded... my limbs are in shallow water... and i inhale water into my lungs... i sit and forget... i live and i lie... i beg and i steal... gone yesterday... here tomorrow... i follow and break... a plague to hearts and a threat to soul... a heavy E... followed by a solid G... a broken C... finished with a finely tuned A... strum along for its all that left of this fucked up life... die in daylight... live at night... a solo of karma... mixed with a rythm of hate... anger, loss, broken down, strewn around... end it now... forever be... i am my own... last casualty... hate me now... live this fight... let out this simple sigh... end, end, end, end... dark.

Say Hello

Sat, 22 Oct 2005 05:23:09 GMT

sit at the computer screen and think... ponder for a moment... maybe even moments... wonder about life and its ups and downs... then look around you... all around you... life is what it is... it isnt amazing... it isnt bad either... just sit and think... think of everything that you love... everything that you hate... everything that is anything... everything right now feels numb in a good way... well if numbness can be felt in a good way... a lack of emotions either way... a real sense of clearness... to think of both sides and not lean either way... for a mind to wander into the deep deep depths of the concious and unconcious world... to escape... to a different place... kickstart thoughts left in the past... remember... all thats happened... reflect... why did it happen... what caused it to become what it did... who am i now because of it... dont stay in the past.... just remember it... you never know when it may be needed again in the future...

gotta new hat!

Sun, 02 Oct 2005 05:17:46 GMT

got a new hat got a new hat and it rocks... got a new hat and it roxorz your soxorz yo!

Guns of the Patriots

Mon, 19 Sep 2005 03:35:07 GMT

Hideo Kojima is a God... no one can create a better game... he has outdone himself yet again... Metal Gear Solid IV... amazing trailer... this game will be the best thing to happen to PS3 by far... Snake is the king of video games... PWNAGE!

today we live tomorrow we die

Mon, 05 Sep 2005 02:57:28 GMT

a good and a bye
every day we slowly die
filled with fright
we are a blight
destroying all around us
full of putrid lust

breaking
blind
painful
poison
heart

a little bit of a headache right now... tomorrow is last day of freedom joy... i shall have fun with it...

falling apart...

Sun, 04 Sep 2005 04:01:59 GMT

well i am falling apart again... hair falling out... spitting up blood... constantly feeling sick... heh great... i'm dieing again... anxiety is killing me again... and all for what? huh... what?? meh i think its time to take up drinking as a good hobby so when i am not in school working hard i can drink and get away from life and not be dieing like this... kill the anxiety... joy...

Sat, 03 Sep 2005 05:52:04 GMT

i sit here listening to this depressing yet very romantic song... its funny how ignorant i have been about myself and this summer made me realize how fucking dumb i have been acting and just how much i have fucked up in my life... going to be 20 in the new year and what have i to show for it? i dont have my highschool diploma, i dont have actual plans for life... just been trying to play it by ear and it made me realize that i have fucked up sooo very much by doing so... i am not deserving of the chance i am getting to be in ASE this semester but it will be my last... my last semester of highschool and me growing up and getting on with my life... my broken dream of ever being a writer is stupid... journalist in the future i think not... english teacher doubt it... reality... working at a desk doing the same shit job that the rest of this nation does from 9-5... have to go a semester in school where no one respects me and i know it... not wanted to be there and i know it... i cant fuck around... i will do my work... get it done and get out... the only thing i cant see me doing is living around this hate on a daily basis... my anxiety will come back... i made it another birchmount... i made it my demise... i have to go back to birchmount and collect my 40 hours too... if i dont i wont get my highschool diploma.... i think the scariest thing of this all to me is that i have finally realized how much i am like my father... how many traits we share... how i am him... everyday more and more like the man who i never wanted to be... share the same genetics share the same fate... some people, well some friends, think i am a great guy... i'm not... not at all... ASE made me discover that... i'm an asshole... i'm a prick... i'm a worthless sack of shit just taking up space and air on this planet... i am a blemish on society that doesnt put out at all... i only consume... i provide nothing to those around me... why do i exist? i have failed as a human being... that stupid thought of just end it... end it now... but now i cant... then the hope everyday that someone else will end it... every night for the past 3 months the thought of a stray bullet from a gun shot hitting me while i lay there.... killing me... end it all... end it now... be far to easy... and yet prove how selfish i really am... hurt everyone that actually cares about me and has hope for me... then on top of that the hidden truth of the total ending of thought process... and not existing in myself anymore... i may suffer from extreame cases of anxiety but it makes me think i would pull the trigger if i had one... has to be instant... dont want the last moments in pain... everyday it just seems harder to drag myself out of bed now and live... it becomes harder to leave this room... to actually get myself to put effort into anything anymore... i am a very sad human being, i doubt i can even classify myself as one now anyways... i hate myself... i hate myself so very much... i cant even cry... i am dead inside... dead... why cant i be dead... why do i feel hardly anything anymore... i get angry to easilly... get depressed constantly... i just cant be happy... if i am its for split moments that quickly die as my brain kills the feeling... school... anxiety... just got to finish and then i am done... life is done after that... it just all goes downhill from there... a loser without and future... a loser that will be left without home, love, or family...and i have caused that all on myself just because i have been trying to be a kid too long... not giving a fuck about anyone but me... but now i end this little spoken words of mine and i will go lay down... and again hope for the stray bullet... which wont come... roll to my side and fall asleep wake up and be one day closer to the hell i shall endure for 5 months...

if heaven and hell both decide...

Wed, 31 Aug 2005 14:05:50 GMT

what to say what to say... got a new cd yesterday... i like it... listening to it right now actually... talking to mel right now and just thinking... in my what if mood right now... it makes you think if you could go back and change one thing in your life would you really want to? yes you would not be the same person you are now... but... you wouldnt have any of the stuff you have today... maybe you'd have some... follow a slightly similiar path... but no it would not be the same... every second of every day shall be altered... all the good memories gone... just to replace the bad... is it really worth it in the long run? i often actually sit and think and notice the big mistakes in my life... want to change them... but in the long run it always comes back to why bother... i am who i am for a reason... every last bit thats changed me that little makes me somewhat content... why go back and change something and keep that little bit of ignorance around... its better that i know and know how to react to everything that can come from that... life has its twists and turns and i am loving this rollar coaster each step of the ride... even though i may have horrible anxiety get depressed often... its still in the long run a fun time...

another poem...

Wed, 31 Aug 2005 01:55:26 GMT

grab a drink...
chug it down...
i see now...
life is all turned around...

breathe in...
cool air fills the lungs...
a strange feeling...
bittersweet taste on my tongue...

the universe is consumed by nothing...
laughing at the thought of it being...
i dont exist barely so...
now i truely am seeing...

forgotten...
broken...
forsaken...
dead...

just wrote this now... fun eh... starting to write random things now... in poetic form... seems as though a weird writing spark has become in me...

Tue, 30 Aug 2005 03:08:07 GMT

drift off,
to an island,
one not so far away...

life seems so surreal,
stare into the star lit night,
sitting by this trivial bay...

wisper to me,
a sound so right...

full of fear,
full of fright...

tis the sound of happiness,
long forgotten,
always the same...

my depression always hides,
and comes back every day,
for i am the one to blame...

forget the world,
forget the life,
surreal little home,
i stay here tonight...

star filled sky,
say hello to me,
surreal little home,
fall asleep in the dead of night...

fear no more,
all is right...

gaze at the stars,
during the dead of night...

why do i write things randomly... atleast it sounds somewhat pretty... and atleast now i am keeping some record to what pops into my head... *sigh* well time to stare off into the stars and forget life... also this song playing sounds a lot like elliott smith in a way... makes me happy...

transatlanticism

Sun, 28 Aug 2005 17:19:14 GMT

sitting around listening to music... really out of it... i feel like someone took a bat to the back of my head last night and i am in recovery... lol... i woke up yelling at something it was strange... god damn weird dreams... thank god no one was around but i still find it funny my heart was frigging thumping... it was nuts... hurt like a son of a bitch too... but now i sit here... listening to transatlanticism... which isnt even a word... i think... but is a good song... and now i depart and i dunno pass out on the floor or something because yeah i am out of it right now maybe i am just dreaming right now... blarg... what is real anymore?

Strange Days

Sun, 28 Aug 2005 04:56:38 GMT

school starts up soon... my last chance at actually making something of myself... i say i am going to try this semester... going to pass all my courses and be done... but truely has that ever been the case? most of the time no... but now i actually want to make a difference in my life... i am sick of fucking around all the time... i just got to get my act together... got to stop being afraid of people... not be afraid of presenting infront of people... not caring what people think of my work... bottle the anxiety up one more semester... i know i can do it... just one more... just one more... i'm weak but i am strong... i am fallen yet i stand tall... time to get the fuck out of highschool and follow my life the way it has to go... this is going to be one fucking fun rollar coaster ride this school and new year coming up...

creation

Wed, 24 Aug 2005 06:44:16 GMT

creating my own D&D like game from the D20 system right now... off to a great start hoping for it to be in alpha testing stage within the month and start a possible campain... some major changes done to the whole D20 systems to make it work better and add a greater connection to characters and open up combat a bit more... added a new ability to take range out of dexterity and ballanced all of the other abilities to better fit what they are suited for... so far it looks like it is going to work out well... six of the races has been created and they are all hardcore... going to work on some concept art with people soon and race design... World roughly created for personal campain but would like to incorperate a lot of the parts into the actual game and have players make their own maps... it make sense and utilize what goes on between races to add content and make gameplay more difficult... class structures are slowly coming together... i did a total revamp from the D20 classes to make gameplay better... it also makes for greater character development... hoping for things to turn out well within the next month of work on it and then start up Alpha testing... after alpha testing and seeing how people liked the basic setup i shall tweak whats needed add the finishing content i find fitting and go to beta testing... beta testing will tell me what real errors stand out in the almost final product give me time for some more revision then i shall finish it off and have lots of fun... out with the old in with the new... cheers to a new game... *drinks some beer*